'I'd rather get punched all day than be emotionally bullied' – Olympian Walsh
When boxer Aidan Walsh announced his retirement from the sport last month, and said he was doing so with relief, it was clear his relationship with the sport was complicated.
There were great days – Commonwealth Games gold and silver medals; and an Olympic bronze the Belfast-born boxer won in Tokyo, when he was joined in Team Ireland by his sister Michaela.
But the dark days have also left a mark – the smell of boxing gloves reminds him of the stress of having to perform at the highest level; the legacy of injuries accrued in the ring; and the emotional jabs he encountered over the years, such as those delivered by some of the coaches he encountered.
"I've come to learn that emotional bullying is a lot worse than physical bullying," he said.
"I think I would rather get punched all day long by someone than get emotionally bullied."
Aidan spoke to BBC News NI's The State of Us podcast, along with his older sister Michaela, in a wide-ranging interview about his mixed feelings on the sport – which even extends to not knowing exactly where his Olympic medal is.
"It's in a drawer somewhere at home," he said, though he doesn't know which one. "I'm not being funny or nothing," he added. "I don't know."
He does knows the medal has power and, when he can, he'll bring it out to show to schoolkids.
A similar encounter he had as a young man with Paddy Barnes, a forerunner as an Olympic medal-winning Irish boxer, changed his life. But the power the medal has over him now is different, particularly now he's retired.
Why did Aidan Walsh retire from boxing?
It's a decision he's delighted with, given he "never liked fighting" and felt like he was "never fully confident in myself".
"I don't want to fight with anybody, I don't want to fight with anything. I don't want to fight my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. I don't want to do that anymore."
He took up boxing when he was about seven years old, introduced to the sport along with his sister by their father at St Agnes' Boxing Club in Andersonstown – a place he described as "beyond words" in its importance to the community.
But, while he said he had plenty of positive experiences with coaches during his career, there were those "who've been hard as well and who haven't been pleasant and who haven't been nice".
These weren't just harsh words, he added. It could be coaches "leaving you out of certain things, not talking to you for a few days, saying things behind your back that's getting to other people and then it's getting back to you".
"I'm a very sensitive person and I take things to heart, so all of a sudden the coach stops talking to me for a week without explanation… you start to question yourself, is it me? What have I done?"
Nowadays, he's studying for a Masters in sports psychology and aiming to be an advocate for mental well-being in sport, someone who can help young athletes with support and advice.
"My whole thing is sitting with an individual, being there with them, regardless if you're giving them advice, comfort, whatever it may be – putting an arm around someone's shoulder and saying: 'I'm there with you.'"
It was during his first round defeat to Makan Traore at the Paris Olympics, when he got "rocked" by a shot he would usually evade, that Aidan knew it was time to quit.
Michaela knew it was coming too, even before the Paris Olympics but believes what he's "gone on to now is so much bigger and better".
Older by four years, she has no plans on following her brother into retirement with a Commonwealth Games on the horizon – and perhaps the Los Angeles Olympics in 2028, where, all going well, she may try to get "another Olympic medal in the family".
Aidan, who says his sister will compete "until the wheels fall off", admitted he does worry about her.
"You spend on third of your life in sport, you have two thirds of your life to live after. People forget that," he said, adding that, fortunately, she's still performing at her best.
As for him, pure happiness is a bottle of fizzy drink while watching the boxing – ringside rather than inside the ropes.
He has no regrets on picking up the gloves and none over putting them down.
When in Budapest recently with Ireland's under-23 boxers, a journalist who knew him came up for a chat.
"He said he didn't recognise me. He said: 'I followed you your whole career and I'd never once seen you smile at competition or at training camp. This week I've watched you and you've been smiling all week.'"
If you have been affected by any of the issues in this story, support and information is available at the BBC's Action Line.
